Respect Her No

I regularly have instances where women reject my advances.

Being a man who’s made a habit of making outrageous asks on a regular basis, I hear the word “No” a lot.

When it’s from a customer service representative, a vendor, or a client, I’ll do whatever it takes to turn that No into a Yes. I’ll escalate to the president of the company if I have to.

I’m like the running back dragging two defensive linemen on his back across the end zone. Fucking relentless.

But when it’s from a woman, I have a totally different approach.

I respect her no. Immediately.

If at any point while escalating from first glance to sex, she says no, then I pull the emergency brake. I’ll even say something like, “Thank you so much for saying no. I really respect a woman who does that.”

Most of the time they’ll give me a huge smile or let out a sigh of relief, knowing that they are able to continue our interaction on a level that is most comfortable for them.

And I don’t just say that because it’s some pickup line that I use. I legitimately respect a woman who exercises her voice and knows what she’s comfortable with. I’d much rather have her walk away feeling safe and loved than coerce her to do something that she doesn’t fully want to do.

Guys, how many times a day do you think about your safety?

Probably very few. In fact, we go towards danger in the pursuit of tasting death while still alive. Skydiving, bungee jumping, The Running Of The Bulls.

Women think about their safety every time they step out of the house.

They don’t walk on streets alone during the night, they park closer to entrances than men might, they don’t exercise outside as much, and they limit their daughters’ physical freedoms earlier than they want to.

How many men do you know that carry pepper spray? Now how many women do you know that do so?

In 2012, Gallup released the results of a survey, in which they asked respondents if they felt safe walking in their communities at night. In the United States, 89% of men answered “Yes,” while only 62% of women did the same.

What does this tell you?

As a man, one of your primary objectives should be to make the woman in front of you feel as safe and protected as possible at all times. Walk on the side of the street closest to traffic. Sit her in the least vulnerable seat at the table in the restaurant. Always think of how you can put her first.

And if you haven’t ever thought of it, having sex is an extremely vulnerable position to be in for a woman. So move about half as fast as you are right now and calibrate for trust in every moment.

This weekend I spoke to a group of 75 women at Inner Goddess Unleashed and when the timekeeper held up the card that said “1 Minute Left,” I thought about all the points that I didn’t get to say and left them with the one that I felt a group of women in their twenties needed to hear.

I told the audience of young women, “Master the art of the firm No. Gracefully receive any advance or compliment fully as an acknowledgement of your beauty. And thank him for doing so. It takes a lot of courage for a man to speak his truth. But if after the first or second No, if he’s not getting the message, look at him like you’re going to chop his head off.”

So there you have it.

Women, say No when it’s not a Hell Yes.

And Men, respect her No.

Now go have some sex.

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PS – This post was originally published on Medium, a better place to read and write.