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Respect Her No


I regularly have instances where women reject my advances.

Being a man who’s made a habit of making outrageous asks on a regular basis, I hear the word “No” a lot.

When it’s from a customer service representative, a vendor, or a client, I’ll do whatever it takes to turn that No into a Yes. I’ll escalate to the president of the company if I have to.

I’m like the running back dragging two defensive linemen on his back across the end zone. Fucking relentless.

But when it’s from a woman, I have a totally different approach.

I respect her no. Immediately.

If at any point while escalating from first glance to sex, she says no, then I pull the emergency brake. I’ll even say something like, “Thank you so much for saying no. I really respect a woman who does that.”

Most of the time they’ll give me a huge smile or let out a sigh of relief, knowing that they are able to continue our interaction on a level that is most comfortable for them.

And I don’t just say that because it’s some pickup line that I use. I legitimately respect a woman who exercises her voice and knows what she’s comfortable with. I’d much rather have her walk away feeling safe and loved than coerce her to do something that she doesn’t fully want to do.

Guys, how many times a day do you think about your safety?

Probably very few. In fact, we go towards danger in the pursuit of tasting death while still alive. Skydiving, bungee jumping, The Running Of The Bulls.

Women think about their safety every time they step out of the house.

They don’t walk on streets alone during the night, they park closer to entrances than men might, they don’t exercise outside as much, and they limit their daughters’ physical freedoms earlier than they want to.

How many men do you know that carry pepper spray? Now how many women do you know that do so?

In 2012, Gallup released the results of a survey, in which they asked respondents if they felt safe walking in their communities at night. In the United States, 89% of men answered “Yes,” while only 62% of women did the same.

What does this tell you?

As a man, one of your primary objectives should be to make the woman in front of you feel as safe and protected as possible at all times. Walk on the side of the street closest to traffic. Sit her in the least vulnerable seat at the table in the restaurant. Always think of how you can put her first.

And if you haven’t ever thought of it, having sex is an extremely vulnerable position to be in for a woman. So move about half as fast as you are right now and calibrate for trust in every moment.

This weekend I spoke to a group of 75 women at Inner Goddess Unleashed and when the timekeeper held up the card that said “1 Minute Left,” I thought about all the points that I didn’t get to say and left them with the one that I felt a group of women in their twenties needed to hear.

I told the audience of young women, “Master the art of the firm No. Gracefully receive any advance or compliment fully as an acknowledgement of your beauty. And thank him for doing so. It takes a lot of courage for a man to speak his truth. But if after the first or second No, if he’s not getting the message, look at him like you’re going to chop his head off.”

So there you have it.

Women, say No when it’s not a Hell Yes.

And Men, respect her No.

Now go have some sex.


PS – This post was originally published on Medium, a better place to read and write.

  • Sarah Goshman

    So, this post has a lot of awesomeness and I was set to sing it’s praises until the last bit, and I decided to comment because I thought you’d be interested in another perspective… hope I’ve judged correctly.

    So here’s the thing, telling a woman to gracefully accept a man’s un-asked-for compliments because he’s speaking his truth is really problematic for a few reasons. Here are my thoughts on it.

    A) It feeds into the idea that women are expected to be nice and graceful and put other peoples’ feelings ahead of their own

    B) This is what street harassment preys on. Women are taught to smile and say thanks. And even when they say ‘no’, women can end up in dangerous positions. (Take a look at this: and also this:

    C) Advances/compliments are not recognitions of women’s beauty. They’re statements about the man making the compliments. And while 99% of women currently appreciate compliments, we’d be better served by being taught to be confident in our own beauty, not by seeking validation of it from men. I think it’s important to ask yourself, “Why do I want to give this woman a compliment?” If it’s to attempt to curry favor, let it go. It’s a power play. Instead go try to start a conversation. A socially appropriate approach that is considerate of the woman’s response (listening for other kinds of “no”, not just verbal) is totally cool. But make it about more than her nice eyes or smile or what have you.

    That being said, thanks for doing what you do so we all can have more and better sex and communication and all the things in between.)