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When Going Home Alone Feels Amazing

When Going Home Alone Feels Amazing

I’m on a date tonight in New York City.

We’ve had dates now in five cities in the past year. It’s been months since I’ve seen her.

She’s even more beautiful than the last time I saw her. How does she do that?

I give her a long hug and pour all my love into her. It’s as if we never stopped talking.

We get seated at a table by the server and lock eyes in silence for a while.

Once you go deep, there’s no turning back. You can’t go back to superficial bullshit conversations about the weather or celebrity gossip. Because you know what’s there.

Over the course of dinner we have more quality conversation together than most couples do in a month.

“How are you experiencing me right now?”
“Do you ever feel totally out of control?”
“What are you most afraid of right now?”
“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings all those times.”
“Do you actually like living in New York City?
“How open is your heart right now?”
“Yeah, I removed you from my Facebook News Feed too.”
“How much are you drinking lately?”
“Do you ever think about living together?”
“What would you need more of to be in a relationship with me?”
“How have you been treating your body lately?”
“I think I’m almost ready to have kids. But it still scares the hell out of me.”
“What would you do if a million dollars dropped out of the ceiling and landed in your lap?”

I pay for the check and we head to the subway station to take the F train to the East Village.

“It’s weird not holding your hand anymore.”

She takes a seat on the subway and I stand above her in the aisle. We lock eyes and stare into each other’s soul for three stops. I don’t even know who else was on the train. Was there anybody else on that train?

We get off the F train and walk to a park. We have a couple hours to kill before we go to a live show where her friends from work are meeting her at.

We sit down on a park bench and sit in silence for a while.

Silence is nice. Especially in New York City.

We dive back into no holds barred conversation.

I’ve felt it in both of us the entire night so I turn to her, look her directly in the eyes, and with no intention of actually doing so I ask her, “On a scale of 1-100, how much do you want to kiss me right now?”

“100 being yes?”

“Yeah, 100 is a Hell Yes and 1 is No Way Jose.”

“Around a 40.”

“How about for your body, heart and mind separately? On a scale of 1-100 each.”

“Around a 60 for my body, a 40 for my heart, and a 20 for my mind.”

“Hmm, not exactly the same numbers, but me too in that order. Isn’t it funny how our bodies want one thing, but our rational mind says otherwise? I’ve been living solely by my heart and gut for the past couple of years, but tonight I think I’m going with the rational approach.”

We talk about getting rid of the good to make room for the great. Or getting rid of the great to make room for the excellent. And how hard it is to say no to something that is so amazing. Especially when it’s a human being.

I see multiple opportunities to kiss her. I experience them and let them pass.

“You know what’s crazy? Now I’m somehow hardwired to make a woman feel amazing and loved. I’ve done so much self-study that I know exactly how to make you feel safe, beautiful, turned on, and alive. In every moment. And I keep catching myself holding back. Yeah, we should definitely not kiss.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“Even though my body wants to rip your clothes off right now and have crazy hot sex on this park bench.”

She giggles.

We take a cab to the show. We meet her friends from work and grab a seat in the bar. We sit in silence a little longer. Impulses keep coming up constantly for the both of us, but we experience them and let them pass.

I catch her looking at my lips.

“Hey, stop it.”

She giggles again.

The band starts playing. We walk up and sit down in the front row and dissolve into the music. They are really great. Every cell of my body is wide open. I couldn’t be happier right now.

Five or six songs go by. I look at my phone, it’s 11:10pm. Time to go. I have a long day of interviews ahead tomorrow.

We get up and enjoy another long hug. The kind where after a couple of seconds you exhale together at the same time and sink deeper into each other.

We look at each other with a sense of appreciation, gratitude, and deep respect.

I walk out triumphantly out of the bar. Light and bright.

Having sex is easy.

Making the choice that truly serves both parties is hard. But it feels so fucking good inside.


[Photo Credit: Chris Ford]

  • Alla

    This. Is. So. F**king. Beautiful.
    Thank you.

    • Mike Hrostoski

      Thanks Alla. Glad you appreciated it. Was a little nervous on posting this one.

      • Alla

        Why?… (with all my love)
        Vulnerability is compelling…

  • Melanie

    This is slathered in awesome. Truly.

  • Constantine Arzate

    Love reading your blog posts Mike, I don’t consider myself a writer, but your writings are inspiring and make me want to start my blog and open up about myself. What I like most about this post is you know/understand yourself and you know/understand other people. It reminds me of one of Sun Tzu’s quotes of “know yourself”, although he talks about war, your talk about love and connecting. Thanks for your writings.

  • Kevin Diamond

    i just sunk so deep into my body reading this. this is wonderful. literally resonating.

  • Dave Booda

    Yes. Double Yes.

  • Michael Felix Bertrand

    Very deep and very poetic!

  • Liz P.

    I could feel the sensation of that final hug in my heart and bones. Lovely. 🙂

  • Kevin Cole

    So ridiculously beautiful. Word’s can’t really express it.

  • Jack

    Wow I had a pretty similar experience not too long ago. A part of me felt like less of a man for not acting on my instincts (when I felt the urge to kiss), but the other part of me knew that she wasn’t ready for that (she told me). It’s funny how our body, mind and heart can often be out of alignment. Awesome post, Mike

    • Mike Hrostoski

      Yeah dude, I think the pickup/seduction/attraction stuff helps guys to a certain point, then they have to unlearn a lot of what they learned. Or develop the self-control and willpower to make choices that serve the world.

  • Alison Leipzig

    Love this, Mike. Thank you for sharing!

  • Joanna

    You knew how to genuinely connect… And that connection was, i guess, what made you feel great in the end…

  • Max Nachamkin

    I love how you caught her looking at your lips – one of the cutest moments ever when a girl does that.

    Thanks for sharing this Mike. Exactly what I needed to hear.

    • Mike Hrostoski

      Yeah, I’ve never said that before to a woman, haha. We were just so in sync that I was noticing everything about her. Pretty amazing.

  • Terry

    I had the same hug last week. You expressed this wonderfully. Thank you for this

  • Stephen Shedletzky

    This is beautiful and real and conscious and with intent and healthy. Thank you for the vulnerability to share this and, perhaps, for the vulnerability of your date as well. Stay inspired. Inspire others!

    • Michael Santonato

      Stephen! lol. ‘chu doin here?

  • CoachSherrill

    Exquisite. The whole thing.

  • Annika Stahlberg

    thank you Mike. I feel like I am changing as a person every time I read one of your posts. I’m a little scared of what will change as a result of that, but excited by it. You’re amazing 🙂

  • Rita Chand

    beautiful..i found myself holding my breath.

  • Niwagaba Roland

    One day, one day I will experience connections this amazing. For now, I will bask in the knowledge that they exist.

  • Michael Santonato

    This is brilliant. I am so totally re-created here. I feel were the same man. Thank you for doing this. As a relatively new blogger, I struggle with stuff like style, appeal and all that trying (BS).
    When I have great dates like this I want to post them and share the highlights and lowlights as you did. But I oft feel self conscious and ‘how will I capture it?’ etc. You did it. You nailed it.
    Inspired. Thank you

  • Susana Frioni

    “Having sex is easy. Making the choice that truly serves both parties is hard. But it feels so fucking good inside.” Brilliant & beautiful.

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