When Going Home Alone Feels Amazing
I’m on a date tonight in New York City.
We’ve had dates now in five cities in the past year. It’s been months since I’ve seen her.
She’s even more beautiful than the last time I saw her. How does she do that?
I give her a long hug and pour all my love into her. It’s as if we never stopped talking.
We get seated at a table by the server and lock eyes in silence for a while.
Once you go deep, there’s no turning back. You can’t go back to superficial bullshit conversations about the weather or celebrity gossip. Because you know what’s there.
Over the course of dinner we have more quality conversation together than most couples do in a month.
“How are you experiencing me right now?”
“Do you ever feel totally out of control?”
“What are you most afraid of right now?”
“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings all those times.”
“Do you actually like living in New York City?
“How open is your heart right now?”
“Yeah, I removed you from my Facebook News Feed too.”
“How much are you drinking lately?”
“Do you ever think about living together?”
“What would you need more of to be in a relationship with me?”
“How have you been treating your body lately?”
“I think I’m almost ready to have kids. But it still scares the hell out of me.”
“What would you do if a million dollars dropped out of the ceiling and landed in your lap?”
I pay for the check and we head to the subway station to take the F train to the East Village.
“It’s weird not holding your hand anymore.”
She takes a seat on the subway and I stand above her in the aisle. We lock eyes and stare into each other’s soul for three stops. I don’t even know who else was on the train. Was there anybody else on that train?
We get off the F train and walk to a park. We have a couple hours to kill before we go to a live show where her friends from work are meeting her at.
We sit down on a park bench and sit in silence for a while.
Silence is nice. Especially in New York City.
We dive back into no holds barred conversation.
I’ve felt it in both of us the entire night so I turn to her, look her directly in the eyes, and with no intention of actually doing so I ask her, “On a scale of 1-100, how much do you want to kiss me right now?”
“100 being yes?”
“Yeah, 100 is a Hell Yes and 1 is No Way Jose.”
“Around a 40.”
“How about for your body, heart and mind separately? On a scale of 1-100 each.”
“Around a 60 for my body, a 40 for my heart, and a 20 for my mind.”
“Hmm, not exactly the same numbers, but me too in that order. Isn’t it funny how our bodies want one thing, but our rational mind says otherwise? I’ve been living solely by my heart and gut for the past couple of years, but tonight I think I’m going with the rational approach.”
We talk about getting rid of the good to make room for the great. Or getting rid of the great to make room for the excellent. And how hard it is to say no to something that is so amazing. Especially when it’s a human being.
I see multiple opportunities to kiss her. I experience them and let them pass.
“You know what’s crazy? Now I’m somehow hardwired to make a woman feel amazing and loved. I’ve done so much self-study that I know exactly how to make you feel safe, beautiful, turned on, and alive. In every moment. And I keep catching myself holding back. Yeah, we should definitely not kiss.”
“Yeah, you’re right.”
“Even though my body wants to rip your clothes off right now and have crazy hot sex on this park bench.”
We take a cab to the show. We meet her friends from work and grab a seat in the bar. We sit in silence a little longer. Impulses keep coming up constantly for the both of us, but we experience them and let them pass.
I catch her looking at my lips.
“Hey, stop it.”
She giggles again.
The band starts playing. We walk up and sit down in the front row and dissolve into the music. They are really great. Every cell of my body is wide open. I couldn’t be happier right now.
Five or six songs go by. I look at my phone, it’s 11:10pm. Time to go. I have a long day of interviews ahead tomorrow.
We get up and enjoy another long hug. The kind where after a couple of seconds you exhale together at the same time and sink deeper into each other.
We look at each other with a sense of appreciation, gratitude, and deep respect.
I walk out triumphantly out of the bar. Light and bright.
Having sex is easy.
Making the choice that truly serves both parties is hard. But it feels so fucking good inside.
[Photo Credit: Chris Ford]