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How To Connect With Anyone


A friend just emailed me on how sometimes she struggles to get others to be in the moment with her like I described in my last blog post. Here’s what I wrote back to her.

How To Connect With Anyone:
1. Care
2. Share
3. Ask Good Questions


1. Care

You have to actually care about the person in front of you. Feel into their heart. See the parts in them that are in you. See their beauty.

Love them.

Have the desire to leave them better than you found them. Share your gifts freely.

You can’t fake this. If you have the belief that “people suck” and you hate everyone, than the person in front of you will feel it. Get some therapy or coaching or do The Work on this thought.

People are beautiful. All people. It should be easy to care.


2. Share

Be vulnerable as hell. Go deep really fast.

Talk about your fears, sex, relationships, intimacy, feelings, insecurities, embarassing stories, or whatever you’re comfortable talking about. Whatever your personal edge is. The more you share the more you’ll build trust.

Sometimes people will collapse in front of you if you cross their personal comfort zones. Don’t fault them for it. It’s just where they’re at.

Don’t continue to push their limits, it’s their choice on how much they want to share and what they’re comfortable talking about.


3. Ask Good Questions

For example…
* What are you excited about lately?
* What are you most proud of?
* What are you obsessed about?
* What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?
* What’s the biggest challenge you’re facing now?
* What do you need more of?
* What do you need less of?
* What are you afraid of?
* What’s the area of least satisfaction in your life right now?
* How are you feeling in this moment?
* What are you grateful for?

NOTE: Not everyone will meet you in your depth. This saves time though from wasting your time on conversations that don’t light you both up. Or someone might say something that pushes you past your usual comfort zone. Take these conversations as examples.

Me: So what are you excited about lately?
Him: Getting fucked up tonight! Woo!
Me: Nice dude. So what are you most proud of?
Him: This fat joint I’m going to smoke later.
Me: Sweet man! I’m going to go grab a drink. It was great meeting you. Have an awesome night. (With absolutely zero judgment and an open heart, even if you’ve been sober and going to AA meetings for five years.)

Me: So what are you excited about lately?
Her: Well, I’m starting a non-profit to help girls in middle school to learn how to love themselves.
Me: Wow, that’s incredible! Say more on that.

Me: What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?
Her: I had sex in public on a subway while people threw marshmallows on me.
Me: Wow, that’s amazing! Say more on that. (While breathing deeply and staying full with her, even if the idea of having sex in public disgusts me. I’ll build her trust if she doesn’t see me collapse as she’s sharing a very intimate story. And I could learn more about something that I have no experience in. Or if it’s too much, I could just end the conversation politely because this it’s past my personal comfort zone.)


I hope this gives you something to play with this weekend.

Life is all about relationships. Now go relate.

  • Bridgett Hart

    Awesome Mike! i love your practical examples. 🙂 tools people can put to use today!

  • Pascal Wagner

    Wait… Mike. Did you say you were a life coach? Because if you’re not you should definitely consider it. =P

  • Max Nachamkin

    Love the questions you provide — gonna give this a shot tonight. Great article!

  • Sam Allen

    Love the post! Although, I’m not sure I like the wording of ‘say more on that’. It sounds a little scripted. But maybe it just doesn’t fit my personality.

    • Mike Hrostoski

      Yeah. Come to think of it, I usually just say “say more.” It’s a coaching question we use in our training program, but it’s also a great way to pull more of the juicy details out of a story.

      • Lisa B. Robbins

        I like the phrase, “tell me more” or “can you share more?”

  • Darby

    I like the last example the best as it shows the risk of inviting people to share deep thinks will at one time put you past your comfort zone pronto! By getting judgemental after you invite someone to open up would definitely be a jerk move and you shown not only that risk, but a way around it.

  • Katniss Everdeen

    I love “be vulnerable as hell” I find that when I’m open with people I’m always surprised at how effortlessly it is reciprocated. Great post.

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