How I Became A Sex Expert
I recently did an interview for The Ellie Aaron Hour and afterwards I shared with her about how I used to feel a little odd when people introduced me as a “sex expert.”
I was the “guest sex expert” on Tamara Lackey’s creativeLIVE program on relationships, I taught a workshop at the Trailblazer’s Retreat that hilariously just said “Sex With Mike Hrostoski” on the schedule, and over the course of the past two years I’ve had hundreds of intimate conversations with men and women on their sexual practice.
And it might sound a little absurd, but you know what? I AM a sex expert.
Not because of some certification program. Not because of a bunch of books I’ve read.
It’s because I live it. It’s because I’m committed to deepening my sexual practice. And it’s because I’m doing the work.
Here’s are a few of the reasons why I finally feel comfortable being called a “sex expert.”
1. I Ask For Feedback
When I’m dating a woman, one of our initial conversations goes something like this:
“If I EVER do anything to make you feel sad, or angry, or upset, or unsafe, or uncomfortable, please let me know. Seriously. If there’s anything I can do to make our experience together better, please let me know.”
And they do.
Sometimes I don’t like it. Sometimes it hurts a lot. But I know how to handle that situation better in the future.
To the men reading this: Do this with every woman in your life. You’ll level up more quickly than ever in your relationships with women. In six months you won’t even recognize yourself.
And it doesn’t always have to be your wife or girlfriend.
2. I’m Not Afraid To Ask The Tough Questions
I didn’t plan any of this. It all happened organically. I simply started asking deeper, more intimate and direct questions.
- What’s your relationship with women?
- When’s the last time you had sex?
- Are you a virgin?
- Do you have any abuse or trauma in your past?
- When’s the last time you had an orgasm?
- What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you?
- How do you love being fucked?
- What’s the most memorable sexual experience you’ve ever had? Why?
By asking these (and similar) questions, the body of knowledge I bring to my business and relationships has deepened.
And at least once a month someone tells me, “You know what, I’ve NEVER told that to somebody before. Thank you so much for asking me that. It feels really good to get that off my chest.”
I think it’s obvious to say don’t open a conversation with some of these questions, but if you get to a point in the conversation where it’s the next logical question, then ask away.
Get intimate. Ask the deep questions. Sometimes you’ll turn someone off. It’s alright. Love them anyway.
3. I Can Breathe
I earned my yoga teacher certification in 2007. At the time I thought it was just “the next step” in my path. It’s clear now I did it so that I could do this deeper work.
Breath is your greatest source of aliveness and energy. Once you get familiar with moving sexual energy around with your breath, your sex life will never be the same again.
Most of us breathe just enough to stay alive. There is so much more to explore.
Even if as you’re reading this and you realize you have no intention to deep dive into the world of extensive sexual practice, please remember to take longer, deeper, belly-full breaths. Breathing better isn’t just for better sex.
For future reference: Here are a couple of my favorite books on sexual practice. And here’s a whole thread about it on my Facebook page with even more resources from some of the smartest people I know.
4. I Only Date Really Amazing Women
I’m kind of afraid to say this publicly. But it’s true. I only date really amazing women.
I have sex with experienced sexual practitioners. I date women with years of work in love, sex, and relationships. I date the powerful women who I was initially intimidated by.
And through our interactions together we grow.
I fail and fail and fail and fail some more. But some of my weaknesses six months ago are my strengths today.
Your relationship is your greatest personal growth engine. So I partner with women who have a lot to offer. And we grow together into deeper and deeper depths of love, appreciation, and understanding. Everyone wins.
5. I’m Taking A Stand For It
Sure there are thousands of people out there with deeper sexual practices. Some of my teachers like David Deida or Michaela Boehm have literally decades more experience in this work than I do. And if you’ve already been on this path for a while and you want massive shifts in your practice, I highly recommend doing some of their work.
But not all of us want to do that work.
Some of us just want to stay hard long enough to enjoy sex with our partner. Some of us want to last longer than a minute in the bedroom. And some of us just want to have sex for the first time.
Those are the guys who I help.
I have a lot to learn still. I don’t have all the answers and I’ll never claim to. I’m forever a student of life. And teachers regularly appear before me to teach me what I need to learn to step up to the next level.
But in this moment I feel comfortable being introduced as a sex expert. At least for now.
PS – Remember: “If I EVER do anything to make you feel sad, or angry, or upset, or unsafe, or uncomfortable, please let me know. Seriously. If there’s anything I can do to make our experience together better, please let me know.” A woman’s feedback is GOLD.
PPS – Sam and I are throwing a LAUNCH EVERYTHING party in New York City on November 15! Get your ticket here. Sex will not be provided. But a free drink will (for the first 100 people).