I Am No Longer The Man In Those Blog Posts
I just logged into WordPress to make a couple of changes to some small pieces of my website.
And I realized that the man that wrote all of those blogs isn’t me anymore.
I’m not so angry anymore.
I’m not so afraid anymore.
I’m not so easily triggered anymore.
I’m not a victim anymore.
I’m crystal fucking clear on so many things that were challenging me a year ago.
“God loves me and he always has.”
“Making money is as easy as breathing.”
“My parents always did their very best at loving me.”
“Everything has been happening FOR me, not TO me.”
And I can go on and on with the empowering beliefs that I know carry in the operating system of my mind that were once disempowering and full of victimhood.
A small piece of me wants to take my blogs down as some of the things that I wrote in my process of spiritual awakening are such a small fraction of the vast realities of life.
Some of the blog posts I wrote make me cringe a little now.
That “This Is Burning Man” one where I talked about experimenting with drugs was a deep initiation in truly not caring about what other people think about me.
That “Sex, Booze, Masturbation, and Cold Showers” one that went viral was a deep initiation in being vulnerable in public for the first time.
That “Fuck You Spiritual People” one that went super viral was a deep initiation in learning how to be with other people’s anger.
And from this place of peace and self-acceptance and trust, it’s almost comical to look back at the things that were challenging me just a couple of years ago.
And despite a part of me wanting to burn this big public journal down to the ground, I choose to leave it all up.
I choose to leave it up because it grounds me.
I choose to leave it up because I know it helps carve a path from pain to power.
And I choose to leave it up because I don’t hide anymore.
Getting naked in front of you for the past five years has been the most painful and powerful thing I’ve ever done.
And it’s a part of the journey that was necessary.
Blogging was one of the best decisions I ever made.
But I see this chapter of self-expression coming to a close as there are now much more powerful mediums of self-expression that allow me to share much more in a fraction of the time.
And just as I am no longer the man in those blog posts,
Everything is getting better all the time.