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I Love Men, No Homo

I_Love_Men_No_Homo

I’m a hugger.

I hug strangers. I hug my friends. I hug straight men. I hug gay men.

I’m staying in a flat in Berlin right now with four other men. We hug a lot.

And by hug, I’m talking about five second long, chest to chest, squeezing the life out of each other type hugs.

 

I say “I love you” to somewhere around twenty friends in my life. More than half of them are men.

I say “I love you” to Andy. To Willie. To Nicky. To Dan. I say it over the phone, I say it in emails, and I say it in person.

And I say it because I sincerely mean it. Those guys are my brothers by choice.

Yes, I have deep, genuine love for several men in my life.

And I’m a heterosexual male.

 

Based on my experiences in coaching, I think men and women view intimacy a little differently. This is a bit of a generalization, but I here’s how I see it.

When men think intimacy, we think Physical. We want sex, we want hand holding, we want kissing, we want physical time spent together, we want to feast our eyes on physical beauty.

When women think intimacy, they think Emotional. They want deep emotional connection, they want to open their hearts to us, they want us to open our hearts to them, they want us to share our dreams and goals, they want to feel their hearts filled with our love.

With this difference in needs, men typically feel unloved when their physical needs aren’t being met and women typically feel unloved when their emotional needs aren’t being met.

Again, just a generalization on my part.

Which is another reason why some men are afraid to hug other men.

Because it’s weird. Because it’s uncomfortable. Because it’s “gay.”

 

As men we are taught early to shut down our emotions from our fathers, from our peers, or from society.

  • “Boys don’t cry. Girls cry.”
  • “Crying is a sign of weakness.”
  • “I’ll give you something to really cry about!”
  • “Look at Timmy! He’s crying! Timmy’s a crybaby!”

We’re taught that being strong and unfeeling is the manly, masculine thing to do.

So whether we are aware of it or not, we hide our emotions from the world. We walk around with the front of our bodies collapsed. We have a shell around our heart that protects it from feeling anything at all.

Like robots.

 

So what’s the point of this post?

To tell you that it’s ok to feel.

In fact, you’re missing out on so much if you’re not feeling. Yeah, I’m talking to you bro.

The women in your lives open their legs for you, but not their hearts. They are yearning to see you feel, to cry, to share, to admit that you are human. They try to get you to open up to them, but you keep brushing them off by shutting down and jumping on your motorcycle or hiding in your man cave playing video games. And it’s killing them inside.

The men in your lives are your friends but only on the most casual level. If the conversation drifts away from sports, boobs, or work, they get uncomfortable. You’ve never shared anything of any real significance to them. They might as well be strangers. And what you think you know about them is only the tip of the iceberg.

But all of this can change right now.

Just open your heart and the world will open up for you.

And the women in your life will thank you for it. In more ways than one.

 

Yes, I love the men in my life. I am supported, loved, and cared for by the men in my life. I have real intimacy with the men in my life.

Because intimacy is a lot more than just jabbing your dick in a warm hole.

  • http://www.facebook.com/breebreereese Bree Reese

    Love this post, Mike. It is officially recommended reading on my fb now 😉

  • LJ

    Point taken on the “no homo” given the context of the post (which I think is spot on) — but I still might question the decision to use the phrase.

    • http://www.hrostoski.com/ Mike Hrostoski

      Yeah, I know. Originally had a disclaimer at the end, but took it off. And anyone who knows me in real life knows where I stand. Appreciate the feedback though.

  • http://www.facebook.com/erintherapy Erin Michaela Brandt

    SO much to say! THANK YOU for writing this!

    I went to Europe for the first time as an adult 2 months ago, and I was SHOCKED… I mean, I’m bi, and I was still SHOCKED at how much more open European men are with each other… physically (casual touching and affection), open in their facial expressions, open in their emotional expression toward each other… it’s like… it’s like… it was… normal.

    I was spellbound. And my insides relaxed.

    And I felt closer to them. All of them.

    There’s a way for men to be a hero for women in all this too… given that to women, safety in the physical and sexual realm is NOT something we can push ourselves to “get over/ get past”, if men are willing/able to make that leap and share something emotionally, it has women relax, feel safer, and be happy…
    which leads to us BEING ABLE to consider having sex with you. It’s a win/ win… if men are willing to save us both…

  • http://www.facebook.com/erintherapy Erin Michaela Brandt

    Which leads me to… how much men need to be touched. How much, when I teach classes on touch, I can feel this ache, this need… a yearning in them for it…

    It breaks my heart a little bit.
    (Even more than women, cuz we Western women touch each other a lot more easily.)

    And yet, women do need to be touched, too. What gets in OUR way is safety… ya know the phrase, “Give him an inch, he’ll take a mile?” Well, that’s what we women are taught. And, with mainstream American men, it can be true more often than we want… cuz guys are taught “Hey, take it when you can get it!”

    See? they’ve fucked us all.

    I think we need to make this conscious. Imagine this… Men, BE A STAND… don’t let women’s “No’s” just mean “Try harder to convince me cuz I’m not allowed to admit that I want to have sex with you.”

    Everybody will burn in desire for a little while, but if men hold women to their “No’s”, then women will have to start to give a clear “Yes”. Guys, imagine hearing a clear yes to sex!!!

    (And OF COURSE assume that ‘no’ ACTUALLY means ‘no’!!! for EVERYONE’S safety.)

    Then, everyone’s clear on communication. Yes means yes. No means no. We can all change our minds if need be. No’s and yes’ will be respected. And women get to cuddle. And men get to cuddle. And women get to own that they want sex. Men get to HEAR women own that they want sex.

    And men don’t get a bad rap, or a bad rep, legally or privately. Men get to practice being strong. Women can relax.

    And everyone gets more touch.

    This is my vision…

    (I think I hijacked, Michael!!!! I’m sorry! I just got so excited!!! Your post released the floodgates of what I so passionately teach about!!!!)

    • http://www.hrostoski.com/ Mike Hrostoski

      Hijack away sister. It’s quality hijacking.

  • seantrevor

    I am a mature guy hurting inside because I want the Physical and emotional love of another man. This is because my dad was very macho and abhorred men touching . So I need a lot of hugs, love and affection to make up for that deprivation in my childhood. But men of my generation in Northern Ireland are distant to one another, and we need so much love in this place, because so many guys are hurting inside. I admire young guys who hug each other, and I’m so jealous of them because they are free inside and are able to express those loving emotions. I do envy them but am VERY HAPPY for them. They don’t know how lucky they are. In those young men’s hands lie the LOVING future that Northern Ireland deserve. Bless them.

  • Zain

    That last line for the win.

    • Zain

      T Shirt Slogan Worthy.

      • http://www.hrostoski.com/ Mike Hrostoski

        Hahaha. :)

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