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I Love Women

I Love Women Photo

Last night I wrote this post on Facebook. Late at night after another long day in front of the laptop.

It was a bit of a rant, but if I didn’t get if off my chest I don’t think I could have gone to bed.

A lot of people have shared it. Most of them are women. In fact, have you noticed how most of the comments on everything I post is from women? Probably not, but I do.

After I posted that, I had over a dozen new friend requests. Over 90% women.

Look at the comments from men.

This one here makes me a sad. Not because of the words towards me, but because most guys just don’t get it.

I Love Women

This is the honest truth and it’s why my life is the way it is…

I Love Women.

And men who love women are loved by women.

It’s really simple actually.

I love women enough to be able to have rich, deep, heart-centered connections with them. Even married women or women in partnerships. I’m able to modulate my sexual energy so they feel comfortable and I show up to them like a brother or one of their gay friends. And they feel safe to have a real conversation with a man instead of feeling his needy sexual energy slime all over them.

I love women enough that I appreciate beauty everywhere I go. And I let them know when they are beautiful, or when a piece of my jewelry catches my eye, or when they wear something that flatters their figure. I have no attachment to the outcome though. My only goal is to open them up in that moment.

I love women enough to be able to give them the space to be their ugliest self. To not run away when they get angry, to not close off when they cry, and to not retract my love when they find themselves at their darkest and ugliest. And when they know they can show me their ugly, they show me the beautiful that they’ve been waiting their whole life to share.

I love women enough to tell them the truth. Which has been a constant journey from lying to and manipulating women in my twenties to trying my hardest to be impeccable with my word in every moment. It’s fucking terrifying to tell them the truth sometimes. But even when it hurts a little, there is a deeper appreciation that wasn’t there before. And the openness that follows makes for the most amazing sex, love, and connection.

I love women enough to look into their souls, to pull their hair, to pin their arms down, to breathe dirty talk into their ears, and bring a skillful level of intensity and darkness in our sexual practice that makes them feel like their edges are dissolving into pleasure. Even when less than a year ago it used to make me so uncomfortable, I probably wouldn’t even be able to read the previous sentence out loud.

I love women enough to stay open to their feedback. And I get a lot of it. A majority of my growth in the past two years has been from the magnificent women in my life. I’m so grateful for their open and honest feedback because it’s only helped me show up better. Thank you so much.

I love women enough to move things along as sloooooooow as possible when it comes to sex. Not only does it build crazy amounts of anticipation and sexual tension, but it allows the both of you to decide if this is something that you really want in this moment.

And I love women enough to say No when it’s not a Hell Yes. Which has been my latest edge, but it’s something that has been helping me not only in my relationships, but in my business.

But I fuck up all the time. ALL the time.

I’m not perfect. I’m far from it. And I’ll never be.

But at my core, I love women.

And the men who are my closest friends love women.

And the world that I live in is so full of love, connection, and richness that sometimes it’s a little overwhelming how amazing it is.

And I wish more men had that.

Happy Thanksgiving.

###

Update: I wrote this piece (“I’m Sorry Men“) on December 9 as a response to some feedback I got.

[Photo Credit]

  • Carleigh Kaiser

    I hope more men learn to love women this way. I’m tired of always wondering why a guy even wants to hang out or be my friend…I almost always sense an ulterior motive under the surface and it makes me sad, uncomfortable, and frustrated. I’m not wanting anything more than friendship with guys so far in life…can’t that be okay?

    • Joshua

      Sure…but can you be ok with his desire to fuck you even if he doesn’t act on it?

      • Carleigh Kaiser

        Sure I can. I mean, I have that desire towards guys too so I can’t blame em! I like this though: “I’m able to modulate my sexual energy so they feel comfortable and I show up to them like a brother or one of their gay friends. And they feel safe to have a real conversation with a man instead of feeling his needy sexual energy slime all over them.” If this modulation is truly possible, I would not only appreciate it being applied towards me, but I’d like to apply it myself towards guys. I even tried it this past week & found that just the intention helped a lot.

        • http://www.thesocialgeneration.com/ Shogo Garcia

          I like what you’re saying about intention Carleigh! I think intention, or rather, being aware of our intentions, is crucial to understanding libido (or sexual energy if you prefer the spiritual rather than the scientific).

          The way I see it, we’re raised to believe that the libido is a dangerous thing, like a wild animal that can’t be controlled and has to be beaten into submission with willpower. I would imagine that, especially for women and those with a religious upbringing (I’m neither), it’s dirty and shameful and can’t be let loose. What we don’t embrace is that the libido (or sexual energy or whatever) is just as much a part of us as anything else, like our appetite for food or our need for fresh air. Setting an intention requires an awareness of what those needs really are, and necessarily expands how we view our needs and how we take care of those needs.

          Your sexual energy is not a wild animal. You are the wild animal, and your appetites pulsate naturally through you. The question is, “In which direction do you want to walk?”

          • Carleigh Kaiser

            Wow, never thought of things this way and it will take some chewing on. Thanks so much for sharing, Shogo. No one I know talks about this stuff…maybe they don’t even know how or what to think about it themselves.

          • http://www.hrostoski.com/ Mike Hrostoski

            Shogo, you are the friggin zen master of attraction. I love you man, haha.

          • http://IntimatePower.com/ Eyal IntimatePower

            “Your sexual energy is not a wild animal. You are the wild animal, and your appetites pulsate naturally through you. The question is, “In which direction do you want to walk?””

            Brilliant.

  • Bob Schwenkler

    Mike, really inspiring writing. Your real-ness is widening my scope of possibility. Stoked that I get to take this and carry it on to my world/friends/family/clients!

    More and more I know that there are other men out there who can keep pace with the honesty I’ve been holding onto, oftentimes in secret. The more I learn the less I hold back, and I’m excited for what I’ve got to offer: Setting a powerful and shameless example of what it means to be a good man.

    I oftentimes I wish I had more men like that and then I know that my job is to create that support. For all of us (humans).

  • kamalravikant

    Love this, man.

  • Ayesha Reynolds

    Geez! This is sooo so good!

  • Anna Cummins

    Absolutely wonderful and pure.

  • William

    No, not every woman is deserving of love.

    • http://www.hrostoski.com/ Mike Hrostoski

      Every human being is deserving of love. It’s our birthright.

      • http://www.hrostoski.com/ Mike Hrostoski

        At least in my model of the universe.

      • sway

        depends on how you define love

        • http://www.thesocialgeneration.com/ Shogo Garcia

          How do you define love?

          • Samuel Hershberger

            We tend to attach lots of “stuff” to love. But at its core, I define love as unconditional acceptance.

            Pure, unadulterated acceptance.

            I love you and I don’t care what you do.

  • CocoGazelle

    Lol, I think I’m in love. Seriously, this is amazing. I wish every man could read this…Thank you for doing all of the work required (no doubt a lot) to reach this place of sincerity, truth, bravery, humility, non-attachment and purity. Truly grateful that men like you exist.

  • Linus Gorpe

    You are spot on my friend :) Thank you for sharing this, I am glad there are men out there that love woman completely, unconditionally without the agenda to get something in return. Aho!

  • jeffb

    sad thing is, as a guy who could easily have written this article and who routinely feels and experiences all these same things with women, this just all feels so incredibly contrived. there are SO many guys out there like this (in Madison, WI anyway) who don’t feel the need to tell the world how incredibly sensitive, caring, thoughtful, passionate and intelligent fuck-machines they are. instead, they lead quiet, humble, sexy lives based on example, not by telling everyone how amazing they are. i agree with the male poster. it’s sad that women fall for this. to a guy who is all these things (but doesn’t need to go around telling everyone), this feels like little more than an elaborate and well-dressed series of pick-up lines.

    • http://www.hrostoski.com/ Mike Hrostoski

      Mmm, great comment. Often times those who know best don’t speak, they just do. I’ve met a lot of these men in my travels. There are thousands of silent heros out there. Thanks for the feedback.

      • Joshua

        What you two men suggest has it’s merits and could be true for this author but what if this man shares so other men can learn?? Is that a possibility? Or perhaps he shares to get the best of both worlds??? The pick up and teach others….

    • Samuel Hershberger

      Hey Jeff -

      Interesting that you mentioned Madison. I’ve spent a lot of time there in the last few years and can attest to the shallow behavior and attitudes of many.

      I think you’re dead on. Rich men don’t need to tell others they’re rich.

      My opinion on Mike is biased. He’s one of my best friends. And he’s my coach.

      Feel free to read through that lens.

      It’s easy to read this post and feel contrived if you choose that filter. But if you choose to read this with an open heart, you might see that Mike genuinely cares.

      And maybe… just maybe… a rich man can tell others he’s rich so that he can help them forge their own path.

      Much love to you Jeff,
      Samuel

      • jeffb

        that was a nice post overall, Samuel. but i have to say, Madison is truly a city that completely exemplifies feminist, progressive thought. i think ‘shallow’ would be more its complete opposite. it’s almost not shallow enough lol. it’s very much a female-oriented, artistic, progressive, environmentally-conscious, leading-edge community in terms of respect for local culture (food, music, wine, etc.), education, equality, diversity, high living standards for all, etc. and it is notorious for being EXTREMELY friendly. crazy much so.
        Madison constantly gets rated as one of the best places in the US to live, and equally as often by women-oriented magazines. at one point, the mayor, police chief, and fire chief were all women. this city truly adores women, we love to meet new friendly faces, and those are just some of the reasons why we love it.
        sorry you had a bad experience here. i can honestly say you are the first person i have ever met who did not completely fall in love with this incredible place. i sincerely hope that any return travels will find you in better and kinder company.

        • Samuel Hershberger

          I think there was a misunderstanding.

          I adore Madison. It’s amazing. And everything you said very much resonates with me as well.

          I realize I could have been more clear in what I was referring to. I was referring to a lot of the guys I met downtown and what I’d observed in the bar scene.

          Outside of that environment–which is shallow by nature–I haven’t found the type of behavior I described in my original post.

          That was an awful mixup and mistake to not clarify what I meant :)

          I’ll be back in Madison sometime in the spring. Feel free to connect with me: sam [at] hershberger [dot] co

          Thanks for responding the way you did. I never would have realized the way I previously communicated in that message.

          • jeffb

            you got it amigo. sending you an email so we can be in touch. looking forward to showing you the brighter side of madison day and night life. maybe Mike can join us :) Much love back and speak soon brother.

      • You made me cringe!

        Came across this on StumbleUpon. Glad I did, it’s hilarious. You are a complete tit!

  • Jas Mcne

    Biggest problem i have with this (as i am very simlar to the above), is most women then think that im not a mannly man/ gay, because i try to understand them, to share, care. the moment you dont take them straight to bed or they are a bit to drunk and you just put them to bed and dont try to slime your way into some pointless drunken sex that both of you wont really remeber in the morning. The fact that i do not judge my masculity by the amount of women i have had sex with. The fact that i know i am a man that I am HUMAN and that is enough.
    I must admit i find it very frustrating,
    It is almost a revesal of roles it was not so long ago Women had to be so thin with a certan look or they where not deamed to be beautilful, now it seams as a man if your not size XXL on steroids and start fights (probably do to steroid use) then your not a mans man. I will admit i do live in Australia where the Culture is somewhat differant, to say Europe, or Africa.
    seriously I am not muscle bound, but i have climbed several mountains around the world, surf, and i have a brain which for me is my biggest asset, im no genius, but well read and well traveled, and understand that everything starts with a thought.
    But this seems to be a turn off in the modern world.
    Well that was a unexpected rant..
    Anyways nicley written bro
    Peace love and light to all
    jas

    • http://www.hrostoski.com/ Mike Hrostoski

      Yeah, I’ve had that happen. Women have said nasty things to me like, “What, you’re not man enough to fuck me?” or “What, I’m not good enough for you?” It’s ok, love them anyway. What you choose to do with your penis though is your choice. And no judgment whatever you choose (Psst, it is YOUR cock after all, not anyone else’s.)

      • sway

        what do you mean by ‘love them anyway’, what does that mean in action, not just pretty words. So in other words what do you suggest, walk away, stay around, do every little favor she asks of you. I know what i will do but to other naive men out there don’t need abstract statements like ‘love them anyway’ give examples not judgements.

        • A

          “love them anyway” means, let them be the way they are without retracting your being just as open and nice as you were before they said no to you.

        • http://www.hrostoski.com/ Mike Hrostoski

          Love them anyway = Send them love and compassion and respect in every moment, regardless of the decision that you choose to make on whether or not you want to relate with this woman on a more intimate level.

          If a woman was aggressive and rude I would politely say no and walk away. I certainly wouldn’t stay around and get more punishment or do every little favor she asks. I love myself too much to let others treat me in a way that I don’t want to be treated.

    • eugenie

      If you’re getting knock-backs, it doesn’t mean that all women have particular standards that you aren’t living up to – simply that the women you’ve asked have said no.

    • Carleigh Kaiser

      Never looked at things from a guy’s perspective like this. I say keep trying to understand, share and care because the women who appreciate that are the only kind of women you want!

    • margar

      I think that women (I might even venture to say that a majority, no matter how slim) don’t really WANT “muscle-bound manly men.” Most would not assume a guy is gay just because he can verbalize his emotions. Women who seek out manly-men (and guys who seek out “tens”) are putting looks first- the visual perception takes precedent over the mental and spiritual connection. They’re trying to put the cart before the horse, and stuff a relationship into a box it can’t fit into. The main point of Mike’s “mission” if you want to call it that, is to make men tune out the noise of their “libidos” and tune into their energy. That which is felt and not seen.

  • Lesley Berry

    I dont know this man so I don’t how much of what he says is sincere and truthful. I would hope he is though but i must say wouldn’t suprise me if not. What truly surprises me is that men don’t speak out enough on how men behave in this world. How women suffer at their hands. Yes I know, men suffer too, but women and children really suffer at the hands of men… the rape, the objectification, the inequality…. now and for most of written history.
    Speak up men, not to get brownie points, increase you chances blah blah blah but because you can speak to your brothers about their treatment of your sisters. Thats why I like to read things like this. He’s speaking up!!!

  • Anna Suvorova

    man, and we love you!

  • R Daniel

    wow. this made me tear up – mostly because I dont meet too many men like that. You are a treasure! Do not be mired in the negative “man comments” – be your shining self !!!

  • Lesley ‘Lelly’ Ernst

    I love you Mike!
    Lesley

  • Patrick_Metzger

    I love women enough to tell them how awesome I am in the most public forum possible.

    • A

      Yeah, he does :) It’s passionate. It’s risky. And it’s nice to see someone who’s open to truth and connection instead of cynicism.

      • Patrick_Metzger

        It’s self-congratulatory. What that’s thing they commonly read at weddings? ” Love is not jealous or boastful or proud”. Cynical? Yeah, I’ll own that. But I don’t trust people who have to tell everyone how great they are rather than just living it.

  • Robin

    I love men! Thank you for your expanded level of connection in your post. I am always looking to bridge the gap between men and women. We have so much to offer each other in this journey of life. Thank you Mike.

  • Radical SelfLove

    Thank you for writing this Mike! You are a true inspiration and I truly appreciate how you are leading the way for men to show up more vulnerably and for women to understand the sacred nature of this opening. I know you are one of those men who leads by example and my perception of you is that for the most part you get your point across through your be-ing and your silent power. I think it’s equally important to speak up like this and give a voice to what a lot of men want to experience, and for those who are already in this being- builds a space for a community of like minded and like hearted men and women to connect. Brilliant and beautiful. Thank you for shining and making this world a better place through your contribution.

  • Rob

    I think this is a fascinating topic…with the advancement of technology, it’s possible for any of us to have close to 5000 ‘friends’ yet there is one blight on all of this; we are all incredibly lonely. In fact, we’re lonelier than ever. Ask the majority of single people and they’ll all be able to quickly tell you what’s wrong with the opposite sex instead of what’s right about it.

    I can’t help but think that this is largely the fall out of the two sexes almost merging as one; Women, through their own act of liberation, have moved away from the archetype of being a woman, which his now coined as sexist; as a result, they have become extremely strong, which should be encouraged; but in this case, it’s the wrong kind of strong, as it’s the Masculine kind of strong, and that turns us as men, right off.
    Further more, the majority of women you see out and about have an air about them that they do not need men, and quite frankly, can’t be bothered with us. What would you expect from men to do in this instance?

    On the flip side of the coin, perhaps in some subconscious attempt at wooing the opposite sex which seems largely uninterested in us; men have become more feminine and less masculine. We go to the gym too much and obsess over our bodies way too often; we act as though we are Gods because we have a set of abs, but just as the women are peacocking on the other side, so too are we, acting like we are too good for each other; when in reality, we just want to get to know each other, but are too terrified of the possibility of rejection.

    So whilst us guys, the ones that actually want to find the right woman and do the right thing, are fumbling through this kind of stuff, the guys who have way too much confidence (The majority of them douchebags who treat women like shit) swan in and take whoever they can find, and usually those girls are the ones that other men would love; but those kind of men toss them on the road after a few fucks, moving onto what’s next; leaving behind a woman who has a lesser opinion of all of us men because of guys like that.

    It’s a really sad story.

  • Jon

    Speaking from 10 years of marriage and about 13 years removed from the dating scene, I may have a slight variation on the husband-wife relationship aspect in this post.

    It seems that the idea and pop-psychology of transactional sex has created this entitlement of husbands. I turn on a tv show, or read an article on how husbands and wives can increase their sex life. Many times, the man is trying to initiate sex and gets rejected. The number one reason? The woman is too tired or stressed out. Valid point. The show or article then suggests to lessen the woman’s load by doing chores or helping the wife out. Also, a very noble cause, but it’s rooted in all the wrong intention. A man thinks, “if I do the dishes, she’ll have sex with me.” Or, “if I do X, then she’s do Y.”

    It is all rooted in selfishness and a transactional system that puts the wife in a situation where she’s destined to fail.

    And, I think that’s what’s at the heart of Mike’s post; selfishness on men’s behalf. Selfishness because a guy wants a quick and casual fuck, with no strings or consequences attached. Selfishness that doesn’t allow him to open up and be truthful. Selfishness that allows a man to do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, without regard to his wife. Selfishness that fears being uncomfortable.

    I can’t help but think of the Bible when I read this. Ephesian Chapter 5. Yes, this is the same chapter that says, “Wives, submit to your husbands.” But I find the following passage even more provocative and releveant for men: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
    Give yourself up for her… a complete abandonment of selfishness. Do the dishes for her, not for sex, because you love her. Talk to her, open up in conversation because you love her. Do X for her, not for Y, but because you love her.
    Everything that Mike says that he is doing when he loves a woman is for the benefit of the couple, or his relationship with that woman. Not just for himself, which is so prevalent in today’s transactional society.

    • margar

      WHY IS THIS NO THE TOP COMMENT? Thank you so much for this. Well said!

  • Chris Barnes

    After reading through many of the post responses, it seems to me that many of the negative comments agree with the message, but don’t believe that Mike is actually being truthful about how he personally acts.

    However, I think I believe him, and here’s why.

    Personally, I resonate a lot with the things that he’s saying, but I doubt myself on a daily basis. In the past six months I can’t count the number of times that I’ve been called “too nice” then creepy behind my back, just for being a good person to women that I care about. In the culture that surrounds me, it’s a bad thing to be nice. To go out of your way for someone is overwhelming, and I see it day after day.

    I’ve had conversations with other men around me and find that in a lot of cases, the people that I’ve seen to be the biggest assholes are really just putting on a show to seem attractive to women who think they want nice guys and fall for assholes instead. The working strategy seems to follow a pattern. Look like an asshole, slowly become who you really are, if she leaves you behind, you weren’t an asshole for long enough.

    Some of us don’t believe in the manipulation, and we end up being the ones who stay single. The mantra of “The one who likes you for who you are is the one to keep” as a lifestyle becomes painful after continuous rejection.

    So this expression, to me, is less of an attention-grab and more a declaration of solidarity. A message of “Continue being great, it might not work, but it isn’t wrong.” I might be one of the only people this rings true with, but that’s how I read it.

  • Shy

    What an interesting post. What an interesting series of comments. I am grateful for your bold honesty, Mike. I see it’s touched some people very deeply and caused some individuals to feel uncomfortable. I see women sharing their gratitude for the articulate way you have shared the whisper of your heart. I understand and can relate with how powerful it it is to be seen and to feel heard. I appreciate what you’ve expressed, Mike. And, I see women saying things like “I wish every man could read this” or “I hope more men learn to love women this way” and I wonder…

    I wonder because in from my experience, this loving, this deep adoration and gratitude is a two way street. Men need the same tender connection that women desperately long for. All human beings deeply desire to be seen and heard. For some reason, it seems, at times, men are not sure how to get it or wonder if they even deserve… or even more challenging, they cannot articulate what it is they so deeply desire.

    What I believe it more men need to hear how much they are loved and how beautiful they are… they need to be believed in and trusted and encouraged in their delicate attempt at a new way. From what I see out there, men are doing the best they can with what they’ve got. A lot has changed in the last 50 years between the sexes and men are just trying to keep up. It’s been a long road for us all. For whatever reason, it seems at times, some men, or a lot of men, have their way.

    I love men. I love everything about them. I love the way they look, smell, sound, taste and feel. Men are amazing!! They make me smile. I adore all that testosterone. They are funny and brave and strong and… well… manly. That’s what I like about them. They move differently in the world than I do and I appreciate their place in it. I love it when I see a man stepping up or getting dirty. I love rooting for men and encouraging them in all of their endeavours. I love men enough to be as straight and clear as I can in my expectations while at the same time cutting them some slack when they make a mistake. Men are fascinating.

    What I wish for most of all, is that both sexes could feel as honoured and revered as humanly possible for their particular gifts. We are all in this thing together, people. We are all on one team. Team Human Being. And I hope that each and every one of us come out a winner. xo

    • Shy

      Apparently, there are several typos that I tried to correct that did not come through… sorry… :P

      The most significant one being:

      For whatever reason, it seems at times, some men, or a lot of men, have [not found] their way.

  • Angela Ditch

    Beautiful!

  • Suzan Bartels

    What a delight you are!! My son was such a man – he really loved women. There should be many more like you. (And also, more woman who love themselves!)

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  • http://IntimatePower.com/ Eyal IntimatePower

    Even better than the FB post. Love you man.

  • Jason

    Oh gosh! This guy is so up himself. Typical American way. Spruiking his business subtly or not so subtly. Being genuine is what its all about and he isn’t being genuine at all. He is painting the illusion that he is genuine… Oh well power to him, if he can make some dosh out of this good for him, but count me out!